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Living Deliberately

March 9, 2015
Liv and me 2

Liv and me

Often now, since my daughter’s diagnosis of cancer, through some part or several parts of nearly every day, I am in lock-down, trapped in a spell of anxiety that cripples my brain function to one degree or another. Often the anxiety comes out of nowhere when I’m not thinking particularly about any aspect of this new journey we’re on and yet a cyclone begins to whirl within me, heating me from the inside to the out, stopping me in my tracks and making my brain buzz with a noise that blocks out sense and reason till a glimmer of thought reminds me to breathe – just breathe – to appease what I soon perceive to be gripping fear.

Olivia’s surgery has been rescheduled and will now happen in mid April, which is a blessing. It has allowed us to pause, to catch our breath, to stop the break-neck speed at which our lives had been traveling since mid-November when she was diagnosed. At this slower pace I’ve worked diligently to find ways to care for myself so that I remain strong for her. I walk nearly every day, I’m taking my vitamins and magnesium faithfully each day, I am eating my usual diet of leafy dark greens, seasonal squashes, nuts, tofu and fish, with occasional lean chicken. I’m conscious of hydrating. In the early evening I turn off the computer and lower the lights throughout the house. After a time of “humming down” the day, I read in bed for an hour before I shut off my light and sleep. This deliberate routine seems to help keep the anxiety attacks at bay. At least they are less frequent and less severe, most of the time.

It’s important for me to study about this cancer – malignant peritoneal mesothelioma. I knew nothing about it before Olivia was diagnosed. So I watch videos from the 2014 international symposium sponsored by the National Cancer Institute and to learn all I can about research and treatment. Soon the 2015 videos from this year’s symposium will be online and I’ll watch them too. It fills me with a sense of greater confidence as I watch Olivia’s surgical oncologist, Dr. H. Richard Alexander – University of Maryland Medical Center, speak at these conferences. It’s clear that he has a career-long accumulation of knowledge which informs his best approach to treating her.

When Olivia was first diagnosed, I felt like a rag doll being flip-flopped around, at the mercy of fate. But the tincture of time now has me feeling a bit more in control. I’ve got hold of the reins of those things I can control, like how I live each day, and I’m helping Liv choose the best medical people to handle the stuff over which we have no control but they have some. The rest is in the hands of the great, mysterious power and the impact prayer has to influence that power.

So, as always, your prayers and healing thoughts are much appreciated. Thanks. ❤

8 Comments leave one →
  1. May 7, 2015 8:58 pm

    You’re ability to put into words what you’re feeling right now and for the past several months is amazing to me. I struggle stringing words together to express emotions. I’m sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. May you all have the strength, and courage to beat this. xxx


    • May 7, 2015 11:41 pm

      Thanks so much. I can’t express like that all the time but sometimes the words are there and I can get them out.
      Usually, ideas and words have been swirling in my mind for a day or two. And if I pick the right moment and sit down and write with concentration and honesty, it comes out pretty well. I always let expressive writing sit a day and then I sometimes edit it a bit for clarity. Maybe the key is to know to listen to your inner expressions, to pick up on words and phrases that are rolling around in your mind. I’ve never really analyzed it but that could be a big piece of it.
      Thanks for your prayers and positive thoughts. They are so appreciated. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. March 16, 2015 4:26 pm

    Take care!


  3. judyleeds7 permalink
    March 9, 2015 9:23 pm

    Your strength is an inspiration!


    • March 9, 2015 9:38 pm

      Thanks Judy – I’m so glad you stop by here.
      Everything is day to day – it’s a roller-coaster of emotions.
      Today, I’m just glad I was able to write something.
      It’s been months since I’ve written anything truly expressive, except for the first post about Liv.
      Like breathing, I feel so much better when I can write.
      I hope all’s well with you. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. March 9, 2015 5:56 pm

    My thoughts and prayers with you, Love, nia


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